I remember the feeling that 2023 was probably going to be the Golden year in our family. There was a lot of hard work involved but happy milestones were being reached and things felt safe and on course. I knew things would change in 2024 but I did not know how seismic these changes were about to be, not just for our family with Simon graduating and starting a new job but for me personally. Our family has been facing some difficult decisions which in turn means that the very blueprint Simon and I had agreed on before starting our journey no longer works. Simon is still on track, the kids are still on track but rules and laws made it that I no longer have the ability to stay on course and it breaks my heart because it is going to mean big changes and losing precious moments with my children, especially Peyton in her last toddler year.

We had to have a hard talk about it as a couple. I know that I have worked really hard to be vulnerable around my family members but this is hurting so much and I have to be strong and I can’t allow myself to breakdown and I know it is going to create a distance emotionally so I can be there, I am hurt, I feel terribly betrayed and scared, I did not choose this but I have no power over the circumstances but I know I want my husband to feel supported because I am very happy for him and this new achievement and I want him to enjoy his new career, he deserves it, I want my children to carry on with their learning, hobbies and achievements as well, it is such a joy to see them grow and learn and turn more into themselves. I have to put my dreams on the shelf of what motherhood was going to be and it stings a little, my only comfort is that the people I love and care for the most will be able to carry on with theirs.

One thing I have learnt is that even though it is painful to make a big life plan change, it is important to be honest and recognise the situation and how each partner feels. It is not about throwing blame but deciding together as to how things will keep going, what the dynamic is now going to look like and how to support each other through. For me it is requiring more space physically so I can stay focused, I need more down time and I need to find a new routine. I know I have to be careful with my boundaries so I do not get overwhelmed. It is hard but I hope we can make it work, it is all far from the fairytale we were working on last year, I feel a bit bruised an broken and to be honest I cannot hold on to some of the hopes for the future I had anymore, they mattered but I have to stay grounded in what reality is offering me and keep going.

N.